We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
