Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
