The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize