I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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