you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
