I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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