I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
