Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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