My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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