Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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