you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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