Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
