apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
