Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize