I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
