new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
