Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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