JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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