dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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