Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
