there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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