So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
