so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
