For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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