I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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