my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
two words: eviction party
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Help me help you realize you are a moron
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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