I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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