Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
