when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
