She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i think i have two assholes
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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