oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
