Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
