I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I want to have your abortion
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
