I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
