Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
actually, I'm a sock model
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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