I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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