the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
