i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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