Jerry, you need to find god
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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