My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
