Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
