Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
