seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
