I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
