I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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