Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
