i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize