I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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