THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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