I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
