I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
