I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
