woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
