my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
