so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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